Tag Archives: God

10 Things I Learned in my First Year of Marriage (Part 1)

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May 19, 2013. And they lived happily ever after…

or maybe not quite.

Happily Ever After was temporarily suspended the day we woke up with the rings on our finger and got a text message on the way to  Baguio Country Club. We were faced with the first challenge in our marriage on some technicalities with our marriage contract.

I was a bit of a control freak and I believe the test for me here was will I surrender to the decision of my husband – on his ways (NOT my ways) to resolve the problem? To not blame and point fingers but instead support him and still be a helpmate to him?

Good thing he gently reminded me of my role as a wife (hehe) but still I disobeyed and I failed this challenge letting the setback get the best of me. My husband quickly discerned that it was just a test and we needed to be faithful. True enough it turned out it was as he said.

God was, is and will be on His throne and things were eventually resolved, and we enjoyed a peaceful and relaxing honeymoon in Baguio with our family.

You see I didn’t really have a model for marriage so I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what my role was and what the scope of my responsibility was as a wife. We were fortunate to have attended Pre-Marital Counseling in CCF 2 Years ago which gave me a peek on what married life was like. (We underwent Pre Marital Counseling even before we got engaged, this was one of the factors my hubby confirmed his decision and decided to pop the question, but that’s a different story. 🙂 )

To embrace the new role I would have to fit into, my husband then fiancé that time reminded me to prepare for the marriage more than the wedding. Alongside the wedding preps, I pored over the book Fit to be Tied which was lent by a close friend of ours, Ate Chen. It was very helpful as it gave more insight on marriage. I also am grateful for the blog of Joy Tanchi-Mendoza which customized the concepts I discovered as she shared married life in a more relatable way.

So I thought I was ready and armed for the biggest decision we both were going to make. I mean I felt that I did what I had to. But what I did was do things on my own and forgot to depend on God completely.

I submit that without God, without a relationship and obedience to Him, we might not have lasted in our first year in marriage.

I pray and please pray for us that our marriage will indeed last a lifetime. During our first year I tried to document our experiences as a couple that helped us adjust and lay a foundation to protect our marriage. We have yet to see through a lifetime though of continuing to choose to love our partner. These are some of the compiled insights I learned from books, from wise people enveloping us with their love and support, from virtual mentors, and from our own experiences.

1. Trust your Husband

I have some deep rooted trust issues with men but in marriage this must change. Better if I was able to change this before marriage, but in marriage this must be resolved. God has appointed the husband as head of the family.

In Ephesians 5:22-24 it says, Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Our husbands are accountable to God more than anything. He will be responsible on how he handles the family God has entrusted to him. Therefore, I just need to submit to him and trust him in his decisions. This also means that I should never blame him for decisions that did not turn out right.

What I appreciate about my husband is that for every decision we have to make, he opens it up for discussion. He asks my side, lets me be my outspoken self on issues that I am passionate about, he considers my point and then he decides. I then feel a part of the decision making but he has the most responsibility. (“,)

2. NEVER regard DIVORCE as an option

It was almost a year into marriage that I decided to resolve by God’s grace that DIVORCE should never be an exit plan. We do experience some conflicts and whenever this happens there’s always that idea and I do struggle with that thought. That is so easy for me to imagine on what life would be like with what I’ve experienced. But this is not what God wants for me. I have been redeemed and liberated from my past and I am now a new creation in Christ. Therefore I have no excuses that I have the tendency to be this or that because of my homing instinct.

Every time that divorce idea pops in my head, I must recognize that that is not from God. That idea should not govern my mind and I should ask that God reign in my mind and heart once again.

Divorce should never be an option no matter how explosive the fight is, no matter how much you feel that it is the best option. It may feel like the best option for now, but later it will be a different story. Nobody who underwent divorce or separation would say that they would want to do it and experience it all over again. and again. and again.

3. Housekeeping is a Huge Bonus

I checked with my husband and he said that wives who know how to keep a house neat and clean is a PLUS PLUS. I wish I had been more attentive when I was still living with my mom and grandma.

When we finally got the keys to our temporary house, I was excited! I thought I knew how to run a home. But then dust bunnies started to turn up in different corners of our house. The clothes smelled even after I’ve washed them in the washing machine and hung them. I had to endure a whole day at work with stinky clothes. My husband still had his lunch and dinner in his own home with his wife busy at work. I still was part of the corporate world that time and I really couldn’t imagine how the working moms there could manage their family and home and work.

So when I finally settled into my new role I had to work double time to catch up for time I should have used wisely in preparing for married life. I should have taken the responsibility in my household before so I could have easily eased into the duties of a wife which is to care for her home, her husband and her kids.

I’m grateful for my mom and my eldest cousin who gave me pointers on how to do the laundry the right way. How to do things properly the way a woman should. :p

My husband appreciates being taken care of and I think that most husbands would agree to this too.

4. Resolve Conflicts Quickly / Forgive Immediately

One of the things that I most appreciate now is that my husband always takes the initiative to resolve conflicts. I admit I get stubborn sometimes and my pride can get way bigger than my height. It’s not right to abuse that and okay I’m making excuses. But in marriage, it’s important to resolve conflicts quickly and forgiveness should follow shortly.

In Ephesians 4:26 it says, In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Whenever we are angry with each other, it just builds up a barrier between us and I can imagine myself singing California King Bed. We’ve tried letting our conflict go on for 2-3 days, and we’ve tried resolving it quickly in less than a day and immediately after. I must say that it’s better to resolve it ASAP as we can put that issue to rest and go back to loving each other.

Both our love language is Quality Time, so whenever we argue with each other, we just feel  less and less loved since we are both depriving ourselves of the quality time we should be spending with each other. We are just in fact punishing ourselves so might as well resolve it.

There are mistakes that sometimes are done over and over again. But the rule is simply forgive. forgive. forgive.

As they say, a happy marriage is the union of 2 forgivers.

Sometimes we women also want the feeling to be pursued and thus prolong the forgiveness phase. But that is not right to put our husbands in that situation and even the husbands to put their wives in that situation. We must always remember what if God had put conditions in forgiving us? Yes there must be repentance because that comes with the sincerity of the apology. But we must forgive as God has modeled on how he forgave us.

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

5. Protect Each Other

It’s so easy to say something negative about our spouse. I do not deny that there are things that fall short when it comes to expectation and reality. Especially when we finally lived under one roof. But when we say we are children of God, He expects us to please Him. There is nothing pleasing about saying something negative about our spouse just to join in a conversation of a group. Or sometimes we tend to say something careless that we think is no big deal but it actually affects our spouse.

In private then after my word vomit sometimes, I ask my husband if he is in fact offended and I also call his attention whenever he offends me. Then we resolve to refrain from making those unmindful and careless puns the next time.

So before that happens, let me share an encouragement which I still need to focus on as well,

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.

Celebrating our first year anniversary :)

Celebrating our first year anniversary 🙂

 

Waiting on God

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Hate to wait? I believe most of us will agree with this. Nobody likes to wait patiently especially now when everything has an instant solution. It’s tough to wait on someone or something when we know we can do something about it – yes it may not be the best thing but at least we got some result. It’s tougher to wait when we know it’s beyond our control – when the waiting time is indefinite.

Last Sunday in CCF, I was reminded of the discipline of waiting, and waiting on the Lord.

In Psalm 27:14 it says, Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Imagine falling in line to get an interview with President Noynoy or the President of the United States and 5 hours or so have passed, do we demand an explanation on why it’s taking so long? Do we get mad, throw a fit and walk out on them?

So why can’t we wait patiently for the President of all Presidents, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords?

As Pastor Peter said, the ability to wait on the Lord depends on your knowledge of Him. Do we think God is there to punish us by waiting? Or do we believe God is sovereign, He knows everything, therefore He just wants us to learn something in our waiting?

God is not slow to answer and He is not slow to bless. Sometimes when the waiting time is too long, we get impatient and fail to realize that as we wait on God, He is also waiting for us. God wants to bless us. What father does not want to bless his children? Though we are unfaithful in waiting, He remains faithful in waiting patiently for us to be ripe and ready for what He wants to bless us with.

In our journey with God, we must understand that when He withholds something, He just wants it for our best. So when the time comes for Him to give it, we may delight more in the  blessed than the blessing, the giver more than the gift. God wants us to love Him and choose Him over anything.

Our tendency is that when we pray for something and we finally get it, we become preoccupied with the blessing and forget who blessed us. We tend to make it the end goal and become happy and content with it. Our waiting on God and dependence on Him stops. So in our walk with God, we go back to another waiting cycle until we learn to become what God wants us to be and wait on the most important one who deserves to be waited upon.

You may ask, how do we receive God’s best? Whether in work, in your lifetime partner, the best in life?

god's best

We must hold on to God’s promise everyday and walk in His ways – do things God’s way and not our own way. This is one of my favorite verses in this season of my life,

Psalm 37:34 Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land.

It is a lie to think that God has forgotten us. But sometimes we choose to believe that lie and do things our own way. Especially when people give us ideas that in order to be successful in life, we must have the best material things, must get married at a certain age, must be successful in business or our work no matter what it takes. We then resolve to shortcuts since we cannot delay gratification and wait any longer. When we want immediate success in business we do shortcuts. When we want the security of love of our partner, we give our purity away outside of marriage. When we want to forget the pain and hurt in our lives in an instant, we take substances. When we are not happy with our spouses and with our marriage, we opt to separate with them. We do things our way than go for the righteousness of God’s way.

We fail to understand that when we do things our way and fail to wait, we cannot escape the consequences. Yes there will be immediate satisfaction but in the long run there will be consequences. Indeed what we reap we will sow.

If we did not wait on God and did things our way, we will not know what we missed had we waited upon Him. If we fail to wait, we settle for less than God’s best for us.

As opposed to when we wait, hold on to God’s promises, do things God’s way and wait on His right and perfect timing, all these will result to the sweetness of the blessing – no less than God’s best for us.

When we obey God, there is a blessing.

Psalm 34:17 says, When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

However, if we did make mistakes – did things our own way which are not pleasing to God, He is merciful and just to forgive us our sins. We just need to repent meaning turning 180 degrees from our sinful ways and humble ourselves to Him. 
Yes it is hard to wait, but when we walk with God, He also gives me and us the encouragement
in Isaiah 40:31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
God is so faithful and loving that even as we wait on Him, he even encourages us and gives us the capability to wait on Him.
The greatest gift of waiting is knowing that God Himself is the greatest gift. May we continue to seek God and find encouragement in His promise.
As He promised a long time ago that someone will save us from our sins and this was fulfilled through Jesus Christ, so will His promises in our lives all the more be materialized. God bless you all! 🙂
Photo from CCF Facebook page

Photo from CCF Facebook page

 

How to win fights in marriage

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Because who wants to lose?

Who or what you want to win is a different matter.

The first year in marriage as some say is the toughest. Because this is the year to cleave to each other, where we lay a solid foundation for our lifetime of togetherness.

You would think that from our 7 years of knowing each other before getting married, everything would be pretty smooth by now. You would think that 7 years is already a long time for us to get to know each other and know how to allay each other’s anger. WRONG. Still in our first year, it’s a different ball game from when we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

When we had arguments during dating stage, we were glad to be going back to each of our homes and face the problem the next day. We also had the option to never face them at all.

But in marriage, we are bound to face each other literally (and unintentionally) during the cold night until we wake up the next day.

The stakes in marriage are higher and the hurt is deeper. Because as they say in marriage, we are already one. If I hurt him, I automatically feel the hurt too and likewise.

Even if both of us make an effort to read books on marriage and relationships, I just find myself getting more creative in rationalizing, starting arguments and finding fault. As soon as I learn new things in the book I would tell him, “Beb it says here in the book you have to be affirmative of me, you have to encourage me..  you’re not doing this. you’re not doing that.. so and so..”. How sinful my heart is to see the speck in his eye than see the plank in my own.

Other things would be that since we assume to know each other so much, we assume each other’s intentions. My husband would assume that my heart is being deceitful when in fact I was just tired to discuss certain matters. I would get so angry on how he could think he knows so much about my heart and accuse me based on his assumptions.

Little hurts would pile up and turn into resentments and soon enough little arguments would blow up into big fights. To the point that we would be reckless with words and our hearts would grow cold and bitter toward each other. The design for which God wanted man and wife to live in peace and joy would be distorted and destroyed because of our pride.

How do we win this battle of words? Will a louder voice do the trick? Or the most logical and intelligent argument? Will belittling my husband’s point or he belittling mine solve it?

Most importantly, will winning the argument but losing my husband in the process be worth it?

So what if I won? So what if had a carefully crafted speech to present to my husband that he has no other choice but to accede? Will it count in building a good foundation for our marriage? Will it count with God?

Sometimes when we find each other a stalemate in arguments, I would feel frustrated and he too.

But we are reminded how God is important in making marriages work. Without Him, it is impossible to make it work. Because He designed marriage. He has brought man and woman together. He completes the divine triangle in marriage and He is the ultimate mediator when we find ourselves in the stalemate position.

It helps and it counts a lot to have developed the habit of quiet time even before marriage. Quiet time meaning having a personal, quality and quiet time with God. After arguments, we knew that in the morning at a designated time we would eventually meet with God and He would ask us, where we are in our marriage. Did we become more loving, more forgiving, more selfless with each other?

Soon we realized that spiritual warfare is stronger in marriage because the enemy seeks to divide. I found out that to win this spiritual fight is to come to God and apologize not just to Him but to my husband. To admit to God how untrusting I was that He would work in my husband’s life and mold Him to be Christ-like. To admit to my husband how selfish I was and how self-righteous I was in pointing out his mistakes, or how I was doubtful of his intentions.

When a sincere apology is made with a repentant and a forgiving heart, it breaks down our frozen hearts and the walls of pride and we are restored into a loving relationship with God and with each other. Marriage once again becomes the source of our peace and joy.

Yes I don’t want to lose and lose this marriage. Winning spiritual fights in marriage is more important than winning arguments. What profit is it to gain points in logic but lose my soul?  To gain the world and lose my soul?

We will always be in the process of being sanctified and cleansed from our sin and pride and arguments will not stop as our marriage progresses. As marriage becomes more stable, we expect that it will be tested but we have hope that in this world we will indeed experience trouble, but we take heart because Christ has overcome the world. (John 16:33)

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Matthew 16:26 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

Source: morselsofbread.net

Source: morselsofbread.net

GiaSon at Mark and Sam's_0216

I love you just because.

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Why do you love me? I would often ask my ex-boyfriend then [who is now my husband]. Jason would often answer, I love you just because. I would sulk in all my immaturity and childishness then and say, how can … Continue reading →

Coffee, Car accidents & Compassion

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It’s quite a rare sight to see me on-the-go and go “aye aye captain” when my alarm clock goes off. So when it happened one morning and at an earlier time than usual, I felt good about myself. I didn’t hit … Continue reading →

The Heart of Parenting is to Influence the Heart

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Like marriage, I believe parenting is a decision that is a “no turning back” kind of thing. No matter how difficult or how exasperating (which I think some parents feel sometimes), you just can’t quit. When feeling defeated, there’s no … Continue reading →

Upward Spiral: On Letting Go and Moving Ahead

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In a nutshell, Jason and I met during an unfortunate circumstance. But with God, there are no coincidences in life. It took me quite some time to let go of something good to accept something better, and even the best. … Continue reading →

Dealing with Jealousy

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Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

JEALOUSY
one of the enemies of the heart that can be concealed for a time, but later on rots the bone and gives off a bitter and sour scent.

This is one of the hardest things to admit since we couldn’t bear to say even to ourselves that, i’m jealous of his / her fortune or i’m jealous of what he / she has.

When we catch ourselves spiting another or being bitter about something, we know we are falling into the sin of jealousy. Also another evidence would be in James 3:16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Whenever I feel that my words are turning bitter or sour referring to another person, I have to check my heart. God wants me to admit this sin to him, to myself, and to my accountability partner/group. And once I do admit it, I feel this sense of freedom from the sourness and jealousy that’s rotting my bones, and affecting my life.

From the book ENEMIES of the HEART, to counteract jealousy, we need to celebrate. Genuinely celebrate others fortune, talent, skills, qualities. If others deserve a compliment, we do not hold it back from them. We need not covet God’s gift for them, because God has blessed us too. We just need to discover and nurture what we have. Their strength may be our weakness, but our strength may be their weakness.

I am blessed to have heard how to counteract feelings of envy / jealousy through our bible study group last Tuesday and now that I know about it, I have no excuses.

It wasn’t an accident for me to hear it. Now I know that God has given us this knowledge, God expects us to know how to counteract these feelings of envy / jealousy.

So the next time envy / jealousy is beginning to stir within me, I need to tell myself (with the guidance and empowerment of the Holy Spirit), that God does not owe me anything, but in fact I owe Him everything.

If only I were.. and If only these things could happen…

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IF ONLY.

The two most ungrateful words I would often catch myself say. We often have the entitlement mentality and think we deserve more in our life than what we have now. We even hurt ourselves and turn bitter by that little thing we won’t let go.

I would be happier IF ONLY i earn more than what I have now.
I would be happier IF ONLY he would love me more.
I would be content IF ONLY they could treat me this way.
I would be happier EXCEPT that I still haven’t reached my 5 year goal.
I would be content EXCEPT that ______

And our list goes on. We often focus on that little thing instead of God’s unending blessings and grace in our lives. If it is really for us, God knows best when to give it to us, in His right and proper timing.

God wants our honesty and our heart and when we turn to Him, God has the power to make our heart right.

In Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Numbers 11:23 The LORD answered Moses, “Is the LORD’s arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you.”

Isaiah 59:1 Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.

Are you letting the exceptions rule your life or are you letting God rule without exceptions?

The worst case scenario syndrome

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The pros and cons. The best and the worst thing that could happen. We always live by these thoughts every single day when we make a decision. Especially major ones.

Best effort I’ve done all I could, but worst case scenario, this is the solution I will do. Jason would often tell me if you don’t plan, you plan to fail, but of course there are situations that really can’t be avoided, so what will happen when those dreadful circumstances happen? What is the plan of attack?

Most marriages today would end up in divorce since the idea is we can get married, and if it doesn’t work out, we can just get a divorce. Of course you don’t have to consciously think that way and you don’t plan that your marriage would fail, but at the back of your head you know that it is an option.

I admit that before and subconsciously I would have this bad case of “worst case scenario” syndrome. If a relationship doesn’t work out, worst case scenario, I could just pack up my bags and leave. Some people have done it and they’ve walked out on it easily, why couldn’t I, right? Well wrong.

During the wedding preparations subconsciously I would think of the worst thing that could happen if our wedding didn’t push through. If an argument arises between Jason and I, I would have bouts of doubts and entertain the thoughts of just walking out and turning my back on all these hullabaloo.

However in marriage it doesn’t work that way.

Once married, you’re married in God’s eyes forever. That’s why it’s a big deal. It’s not something you do when you’ve fallen passionately and deeply in love. It’s not just the joys, but the pain, the health and even the sickness. This is the promise you made to your partner, this is the covenant you made with God.

Though we’ve heard this from pre-marital counselling in CCF a year ago, Jason would often remind me that divorce or annulment is never an option. As I’ve come to know God more and more, I learned to never even entertain this thought or this inkling of doubt, because this will become a foothold of the enemy, the devil.

Marriage is forever. What God has joined together, no one can separate. Mark 10:9

No matter how complex, how difficult, how doubtful, how crazy it’s going to get. work it out. There is no worst case scenario. PERIOD.

Marriage can only work if God is there. If we turn to God in times of happiness and in despair. Because God completes the divine triangle – He heals all wounds, He teaches us to reconcile, to obey, to forgive, to be merciful, to do the unimaginable, to temper our words, to curb our evil thoughts.

My papi Ceferino once told me, even in marriage the doubts do not stop. Sometimes you would want a way out. Given that these concerns are normal what then do you do? to turn your back on the opportunity to love greatly and not be troubled by these doubts. Or let love overcome all these doubts and fears?

It may be difficult but by God’s grace, He has impressed on me to step up and be courageous, for He will be with me.

1 John 4: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

It may be tough, and scary, but I know God who has brought us together will keep us, in sickness or health, in happiness and in sorrow, all these, forever.